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Day 25 - Reflecting

I was talking to an old friend one day while shopping at Home Depot (yes, I’m the kind of person who shops, the way my wife might at Barneys, at Home Depot). Anyway I realize that I was fishing to make trouble, you know asking around so that she would agree with me and we could rant about that event or person. In other words I wanted to gossip. Of course when she (out of my surprise) didn’t confirm the same feelings as me, I decided to go off on whoever the person was we were talking about. After my rant, she went off on me. It shocked me, and I was left speechless, just listening. I decided I was not going to interrupt or get defensive, but I would hear what she was saying. I did and I remember to this day what she said that I was the one not doing yoga, not being reflective.

I would lie if I said it didn’t sting. I would also lie if I didn’t hang up and think, “Me, I’m the one who’s not reflective, not doing yoga? What about all of you?” But there was truth in what she said. There had to have been, it was after all people’s opinions about me and my actions. If they were hurt by my actions then I would say I was equally hurt by theirs. But what does that do for me or anyone? It’s just like the need to gossip or put someone down for the sake of confirming your own actions, feelings or success. There was a time in my life when I was so good at turning the conversation against someone and then keeping the company who all agreed. All that we did was confirm all of our fear, anger, anxiety and unhappiness. It worked for a moment, like a drug to forget or escape your own misery, but it wore off and then you had to do it again. So I decided it was time for me to release that pattern and all those feelings that I was holding on to and that were being held on to about me apparently by others. I thought it was unfair that your life choices couldn’t be yours, but I understand that my choices aren’t just mine because they do affect others. It seems unfair, but I would much rather live a life where what I do means something to someone else, rather than live a life where my actions have no meaning other than for myself. But I never really did do anything to make amends, so here it goes:

To all of you who know who you are, I want to say that you all hold very dear places in my heart. I think of you and remember beautiful and fun times, transformational and educational experiences. I hold great respect for your commitments to a path that is not easy nor popular, and I hold great gratitude for the support you gave me. My life would not be what it is now without all of you. I am sorry if my actions affected you, they were done out of necessity and desire. I had to move for my own sake, for the health of my heart and those near me. I was getting toxic and poisonous to those in my vicinity. It was not what I desired and I knew that I wasn’t doing my yoga. I moved on not because you did anything wrong, but because I had to for me. I was taught to follow your heart and when you do it will make the people around you better. I hope, even in my absence, that you all are better because I am following my heart.